Eshu Jamsy

Hey eshu, I hope you’re doing well, this is the last letter I’ll write down which I’ll give to you with my own two hands in a couple of days when we meet. I think it’s gonna be sometime before we get to meet once again and I get to give you a letter again. God Eshu, I don’t know where to start, everything has been so crazy ever since we met. A bit of everything really, chaos, humiliation, sadness, guilt, happiness, pleasure, peace, and so much more. It’s been a roller coaster for me personally. When I first met you in January, I honestly did find you, you know, an attractive person, but I never thought we’d ever spend so much time together to actually get to know you. I remember when we went to dinner immediately after we came to Lahore, we were sitting opposite to each other. Back then I’d get really conscious of myself, where my hands are, where I’m looking, how I’m looking, what kind of faces I’m making, Matlab basically thinking that I don’t look ugly, and I was really conscious of how I’d look na and how people look at me, so I was thinking about you sitting opposite to me and what you’re thinking of me and I got really shy but I distracted myself by thinking of this business thing so I kept checking my phone and shit. I got to know you well after we hung out for a couple of days before we left for Islamabad, and honestly, I really liked our friendship and the conversations we’d have, you were like, a really easy person to converse to, like I could talk to you about the most random things and we’d still talk about them without it being awkward, I don’t know, and you taught me how to inhale which kinda really impressed me, now that I think about it, I should’ve fallen in love with you then and there. I think we bonded over vaping alone or whenever everyone would be asleep in the basement, I don’t know, I felt this kind of comfort when we’d do that, and I made sure that I’d keep like so much physical distance between us while we’d do this so that you wouldn’t get creeped out or feel uncomfortable. I remember you sitting with your back against the bed na, and I was like sitting on the edge of the bed, next to your like lower thighs/kneess, just so you wouldn’t feel uncomfortable. I remember me walking with you in the Badshahi mosque, I don’t remember what we spoke about, but i don’t know, it seems nice to think about it. On the ride to Islamabad, and in Islamabad, I was thinking about this and like you and how funny we were. But other than that it was mostly about the business haha. We barely spoke after January, but I remember you’d like the most random stories I’d post and I sent you this video of me vaping while wearing rohaan’s goggles, that’s about it. Then, we met again in August, and initially we were really chill as we were, no awkwardness whatsoever even though it was like 7 months since we last spoke to each other properly, I didn’t feel shyness or like I didn’t feel the need to put like a layer of something that I’m not to like talk to you, you know, everything was been so easy when it comes to you from the start, I never had to be someone I’m not. I think I felt really accepted by you from the start eshu, thank you for that really, I don’t feel that kind of embrace anyone else. I feel like our friendship really grew when we’d converse one on one while vaping or just sitting on the couch in the flat initially when we moved to Lahore. I’d have fun hanging out with you when we were in the flat, like I wouldn’t get bored at all, just talking to you, it was really really nice. One of my favourite memories is the first time we smoked. I was so paranoid because of Rohaan and Maaz but it turned out to be Okay. We got Red Monds from the small F store and smoked behind that building. It was really hot but it was really nice now that I think about it. I remember it so vividly eshu, it was perfect. Then, we moved in to the house, and we never really had physical touch like that, but I remember you I believe having your leg on top of my legs when all of us were in mama’s room laying on her bed, and I didn’t wanna move because I didn’t want to bring discomfort to you, I don’t know I guess I felt care for you idk. Now eshu, to be very honest with you, I was a loser, and I still am a loser. I’ve always considered myself ugly and not someone who a girl would get attracted to, so even if I found someone pretty, I’d never even try because I was so conscious of myself and I felt so ugly that I wouldn’t even try to talk to her. I would sit at home and play my PS4 until 4AM with my boys or I’d watch movies on my computer alone, I didn’t have any friends in Karachi so I just played video games and I wouldn’t get out of my house, and I’m a nerd, so I had a whole bucket list of movies I’d wanna watch. So, it came as SUCH a surprise when you told me that you liked me, you were literally the first girl who I got so close to who was my age, and you were the first girl who told me she liked me. I remember when you told me that, I was playing FIFA Ultimate Team in my room, wearing that big ass headset, and listening to some random rap, I saw that text and I couldn’t believe my eyes, I got that cold sweat and I got like really nervous. Then I spoke to you and yeah, that was it, I’m sorry, I know I took it in a bad way and I bet my reaction was the worst when you confessed to me, but I just didn’t know what to do, My love, I was so startled that I just didn’t know what to say. I always thought of myself as a loser who couldn’t get a girl unless I got rich, had a good body, and lost ALOT of fat. So I was caught kinda off guard, because I was like Eshal Jamshaid? Wtf? She has so many options, she gets so many bitches, why me? Like I didn’t say it in a bad way I was just wondering. Then, I spoke to you and you know eshu, when someone iniates something like this and tells you, you kinda start thinking of them in the same way aswell, at least for me. So I got attracted to you, I started finding you really pretty and I started liking everything about you. I always liked the way you dress so that’s different but then, I started to like notice and like how you carry yourself, the way you talk, the way you laugh, the way you listen, the way you smile, the way you’d make those cute and goofy faces, the way you’d do everything even the way you breathe, LMAO. I started to like everything about you. And it was unstoppable, the attraction toward you just took over my body like a fast-reacting virus; I couldn’t stop it even if I wanted to. It was such a new feeling and it hit me like a train. I didn’t want it to stop whatsoever, it was like I was shot by Cupid😭. Then like, a week and a half later after i confessed that I liked you, I told you that I love you, and god was I in so much fucking love. I couldn’t describe it. I started to feel like this overwhelming sensation of care and comfort for you that I was ready to do anything to make you happy. It was the first time I looked at a girl with so much love and like so much romance in a way that I felt this responsibility to take care of your feelings and your heart and everything about you. I couldn’t let you down in any way. So, I started to put in everything I had to make you happy, I was initially very shy about how I felt for you, but I’d get butterflies in my stomach whenever you’d walk by eshu , I swear. I’d do the little things to show that I care, I’d get fuzetea for you, I’d let you drive whenever we’d get the chance, I’d let you do whatever you wanted just to see you happy. And I remember just wanting to be with you all the timeeeee, I never wanted to be away from you, I was hooked instantly on the love that I had for you, I had become an addict of you, I literally couldn’t live a day without seeing you. You started to make me feel so happy and you’d compliment me, and you’d tell me that I’m a good person, and you’d show concern and worry for me. Eshu, nobody had done these things for me before and I loved it so much and I just loved being around you because of that. You were the first person to make me feel valued in a way I guess. You were the first person who made me feel seen and heard, it was honestly so fucking nice, I couldn’t stop. My love for you would increase day by day, I didn’t want to stop, I wanted to give everything to you, and I did, slowly. I felt like even if I give her everything in my life, I’d still be so fucking happy because she’s there, and I never felt like that for ANYONE, especially not for a girl. You are different. There was more to you then I first imagined in January, and when I got to feel that in August, I couldn’t help but talk to you everyday for hours and meet you and see you and talk to you. I wanted to get to know you so deeply, I craved it. When I got to know you better, I felt that, you aren’t like any other girl, even though I don’t have any experience with girls, I just felt that you’re different and you’re a good girl basically. What I thought of you was that Eshal saadi si larki hai (in a very good way of course), she’s pretty, she laughs and smiles a lot, she’s kind and she’s very thoughtful, and she’s very nice to the people around her. And I loved the way you spoke, like it was so soft and sincere, and it was like that with everyone, and I LOVED when you’d swear, it’s like you’re a perfect balance of both. I love that dynamic so much, even to this day. When I fell in love with you, I literally couldn’t find any faults in you, you were perfect in my eyes, you couldn’t do anything wrong, and I still feel that way, even if you like stab 5 people in front of me, I’d still say you didn’t do anything wrong. You’re like a white cloth for me which couldn’t get dirty even if it gets plunged in dirt. Eshu, when I think of my dream girl or my dream wife. I think of someone who makes me feel like I’m home, who makes me feel wanted and happy and fulfilled. She’s someone that when I look at, she’d get shy while making eye contact and look away, she’s someone that laughs at everything and is the life of the party basically, she’s someone who’d hold me down when I’m feeling sad or upset, she’s someone who wouldn’t judge me or make me feel like a bad person for feeling something, she’s the girl who tells me I’m just enough and I’m good enough for her. She’s the peace of my life. I had made this list a long time ago and I know it’s quite demanding for a guy like me but, I think I hit the jackpot, there’s not one quality, one, that you lack eshu, instead, you have even more. I really like this thing about you, it’s when you show concern regarding finances, you get thoru sa weird when I spend on you or when I spend too much, and I honestly love that so much, even though I could never stop spending on you but it’s just that you even think about this, wins me over every. single. time. Or when you’d say that something is expensive and we shouldn’t buy it or when you’d tell me to save my own money. I DONT KNOW WHY BUT I LOVE THAT SO FUCKING MUCH. It’s honestly so attractive and it’s like you show me financial care 😭😭😭. It’s honestly so valuable to me and I really really love this quality that you have. Another quality that I really love that you have is being concious about how others are feeling and how you try to make them feel better. It’s honestly such a beautiful quality that you have and it’s another thing that you do which makes me feel like I should love you even harder and you deserve the world, you’re such a good person Eshal, and it actually shows so much. These are some extra qualities that are extremely beautiful and attractive and which make you pull me closer to you without you having to do anything. Eshu, I’m a lonely person, I’ve been alone for the first 4 years that I was in Karachi, I didn’t have any friends, nobody who I’d talk to, nobody who I’d hangout with. So, I felt really lonely for a lot of time, I just made friends in September of last year but before that, I was all alone. I wouldnt get any messages on instagram, I’d have zero messages for days. And it’s honestly not a good feeling, it makes you feel weird, it makes you feel like you don’t have anyone that’s yours and it messes with your brain a lot. Ever since I came to Karachi, I’ve felt a lot of self-doubt, I dealt with a lot of insecurities regarding my height, my body, my hair, my face, the way I act and basically everything regarding me. I’d disregard myself so much and I’d say bad things about myself, to myself, I hated myself. I dealt with a lot of anxiety, I’d shiver, I’d get a cold sweat and my shirt would just get drenched in sweat and just thinkint about the smallest task would give me anxiety, my hands would shake, it’d feel like my throat has been jammed up and I couldn’t say a word. When I’d get sad, I’d wrap my own hands around my body to like hug myself and comfort myself because I didn’t have anyone that was there for me, I felt so alone and I just wanted someone to talk to me nicely. You mentioned the other day that you’re lonely and that made me feel weird because I know what being lonely is like, and I’d never want you to feel that way, ever. I know how it feels when you’re around family but you feel lonely, I know how it feels when you’re alone laying in your bed, and you just want someone to talk to you. I know how it feels to be lonely okay eshu? So you can talk to me anytime you want regarding this, I’ll never judge you nor will I ever make you feel bad for feeling this way okay? I’m always here. The things I mentioned up there is the reason why I couldn’t believe that you liked me eshu, I never thought anyone would like someone like me, and I still do but yeah, you made all these things dissappear eshu, when we like cuddled for the first time in the TV lounge in my house, I felt everything just fade away and I felt true peace and fullness within me, you made everything go away, it’s why I wanna give you the world. You’re the girl who made everything go away for me eshu, you made me, me again. I owe you all of my happiness and I owe you basically everything, you’ve been so nice to me and I love you so much because you’re like my best friend and you always listen and you always comfort me and you just know how I’m feeling. I love the way you know me so much, it makes me feel so special and valued. You were the first person who just made everything dissappear. I remember when we were cuddling in November, we were pillow talking about just random things and I asked you to sleep in my arms but you said no, because I wouldn’t be with you when you’d wake up, and that honestly made me feel so good, I held you tighter and I said to myself “I wanna marry this girl one day” and I promised to myself to never let you go, that night was like the best night of my like I think, us lying in one bed, in each others’ arms on a cold night with a blanket on top of us, it was better than anything I could ever ask for. I still think about this moment to this day, and I feel so much warmth and I crave it so much because I honestly felt like I could spend my entire life doing this and I’d never be happier. I remember telling myself all most every time we’re on call and you say something stupid which is so adorable that “I wanna marry this girl”, you make me laugh so much that I just have to say it, and I say it to you aswell, you’re perfect in my eyes and you’re hilarious and you’re funny and you’re caring and you’re understanding and you’re so fucking beautiful, I don’t know how someone can be this beautiful. Sometimes on call, I just stare at you and have a small smile on my face and just admire you and just think that you’re the prettiest girl I’ve ever seen, you honestly are a princess. You are the literal demonstration of beauty, my love, I could just imagine me coming back home to you after a long day and just hugging you and lying down with you and just sinking into your arms and your chest and just sleeping on you, like a baby would, and I could imagine you asking me about my day in that soft and soothing voice of yours and playing with my hair on the back of my head and hovering your hand over my back in a really soft manner. I just wanna cuddle and be held by you eshu, it’s the most peaceful thing ever. I haven’t felt more peace in my life than when we cuddle. It’s my guilty pleasure to imagine this. And I know I keep talking about peace, it’s because I don’t find it anywhere but with you eshu, I find internal satisfaction and fullness when I’m holding you or when I’m with you, it’s such a surreal feeling that I just crave to feel after a long or bad day, it’s the only thing I want sometimes. You are my peace, my joy, my stress-reliever, my tranquility, my quiet, my security, my bliss , my contentment, my everything, eshu. I’ve been thinking about England and how we’re moving in a couple of weeks, and the thing that scares me the most is us drifting apart, not talking properly, barely calling and texting due to the time zone difference, it honestly scares me so much eshu. Also the fact that I’ll be several more thousand kilometres away from you which breaks my heart by just thinking about it, I can’t live so far away from you, my love, you’re my happiness and I love you so much, it gets me so worried. But, I’ve thought of my future and of course you’re in it. I’ve thought of me settling down first, then starting school, then working a minimum wage job for 5 hours a day, and the money I’ll get from that job, I’ll save it till I can afford tickets to Lahore, and I’ll try to visit you a couple of times a year. I’ll stay focused on my studies and my job and I’ll try to work on things on the side to make some extra cash, then I’ll get you some things, and try to spoil you when I come back to visit you. But other than that, my plan is to just focus on myself and better myself for you, I wouldn’t look for any other girl because it just isn’t worth it, I wouldn’t look for pleasure or anything like that because you’re enough for me and I’d like to wait until I’ve a good education and a good job for you, then I’d try proposing to you. Before that, I don’t want any other girlllll, you’re just okay for me and I don’t ever wanna lose you or lose the love I have for you. I’ve missed you so much since I came back to Karachi, aapki soch hai. I always think about you and how we’d spend time together and how we’d laugh together, it’s something that I consider priceless. Spending time with you is so priceless and precious, I always value it so much. Whenever I’d start to miss you a lot na, I’d get this feeling of suffocation and having this fear that we’re never gonna meet again, I don’t know I’m kinda weird. I’d go outside and sit in the balcony thinking of you while looking at the sky, or I’d lay down on my side with my arms crossed imagining how fun it’d be spending time with you right now. And sometimes when I’d see something nice or do something that I’d think you’d like I’d say to myself, “I wish Eshal was here”. I miss you so much eshu, it’s why I text you and annoy you so much, if I don’t talk to you for a day, that day feels so goddamn long, I don’t know what it is but it just feels like it.