Hey Eshu, I hope you’re doing well, I’m writing you this letter because it’s the most sincere way for me to apologise to you about everything I did that bothered you. I truly want to apologise to you for everything I’ve done eshu. I know that I’d apologise to you a lot, for anything I’d do which was remotely wrong, and you’d tell me not to, but I always had an urge to do so, and it wasn’t to manipulate you or anything of that sort, I do not know how to do all that. I’d apologise for even the smallest things due to how much I’d care for you, and I wanted to show you that I truly do realise my mistakes and I accept them and I can apologise to you for any sort of discomfort that you’d feel because of me. I could not bear seeing you upset, angry, or uncomfortable for something I had done, so I’d realise my mistake and apologise to you as soon as possible. So you’d know that your feelings matter to me, and that you’d realise that I can make mistakes as well, but I can accept them and try to be better and not repeat them, saving both of us from having weird feelings about each other. Eshu, My love, every-time I’d apologise, I’d mean it with all my heart, it may have lost some of its value in your eyes due to the great amount of frequency of me apologising, but just to let you know, when I would say sorry to you, I’d mean it with my whole heart, every fibre of my being would feel guilt and shame for a mistake I made that affected you negatively, even if it made you upset for a split-second, I hated it. I hated making you, the girl I love more than anything and everything else, upset, or sad. I hated it so much, so I’d apologise, and trust me eshu, I meant it with all my heart, I never said sorry as a formality to you, but quite the opposite. I sought your forgiveness, and seeing you hurt or upset would greatly upset me. I’m so sorry eshu, I don’t know why I’d make such stupid mistakes, I promise they’d never be to hurt you. But yeah, I’d like to list all the mistakes I made which affected you, and I’d like to acknowledge them to show you that I do care about you and I’ve meant everything I’ve said to you, my princess. Just to be clear, I’m not doing this to justify my actions, because they cannot be justified whatsoever, anything that I’ve done that has hurt you cannot be justified, that’s why I’d ask that you forgive me. The first thing I remember is when I got sad on the last day of the trip in June when you told me not to. I couldn’t help it eshu, I wanted to spend more time with you, but, I wanna thank you so much for when we were sitting in the living room and you were trying to make me laugh by looking through the photos app on my phone, it made me feel so much better, dekho you really are a sweet and good girl. Second thing I remember is which I did a lot was, demanding a lot of priority from you. Honestly eshu, I wanted you to be the way I am with you, the way I’d tell you everything and the way I’d text you really quickly and spam you aur ye woh, and I failed to realise while being deeply in love with you that, you’re your own person, you feel different things, you view things differently, you love and care differently, you show affection differently. Was it truly love if I failed to see that we have our differences, and those differences are what make you, you?. I’m terribly sorry for that eshu, It was mostly just me overthinking and tripping over every factor, which shouldn’t have happened because you assured me quite a lot, so, I’m sorry. Another thing was, how sometimes I wouldn’t even give you breathing space when you just wanted to be alone, I know how you are eshu, I know you’ve dealt with things alone and I know that you like dealing with them alone nowadays as-well, but, I wanted you to also be somewhat reliant on me for some support and love and care, I overdid it quite a lot and I didn’t realise that I was pushing you away. I failed to see that sometimes you just wanted to be alone, and that was completely completely okay. I’m sorry for that eshu. Fourth thing, suffocating you with my love. You’ve dealt with my love in a beautiful way everytime I gave it to you eshu, but you always hid how it sometimes would make you feel and how others would make you feel for accepting it. I remember how you’d have to hide it and how I’d still be ungrateful and I’d ask you for more. You hid how it made you feel bad, from me, just so I wouldn’t get hurt, and it obviously made all the sense when you started to feel my love’s burden, and how you’d feel suffocated in it whilst dealing with so many other things as-well, I’m so sorry for that eshu, sometimes all you needed was a friend, and I couldn’t give you that. It was a weird position for both of us. Fifth thing, not being understanding about the kind of situation we were in and demanding more from you. Eshal, sometimes I’d get blinded, and I’d demand so much more from you that it would add a lot to your plate and it’d overstimulate you, I’d demand things in all kinds of ways which would lead you to feel weird, I’m sorry for that. Honestly speaking eshu, I won’t be able to name all of the mistakes I made but I’ll list a couple more. When I’d ask you to stay 5 more minutes on call and you got caught by Rohaan, which affected the trust between you guys. I’m sorry for saying the wrong things at the wrong time. I’m sorry for pressuring you in certain things, when I didn’t have a right to. I’m sorry for making you feel like you’ve hurt me, I’m sorry for making you feel like I don’t trust you. I’m sorry for not being understanding with our situation sometimes. I’m sorry for mistreating you when I did, when all you did was try and care for me. I’m sorry for when you’d stop me from doing stupid things but I wouldn’t stop. Such as driving very dangerously, vaping when I was sick, not taking care of my education, and not having a good routine and sleep schedule. I’m sorry for disregarding your care for me eshu, honestly I really am. I want to thank you for showing me so much kindness and compassion, and for nurturing me so much when I needed it, it’s one of the things that make you so beautiful. You’ve a heart of gold. Thank you for making me feel safe enough to talk to you about anything, even when I’m alone or not talking to you, I express by imagining that I’m talking to you, it’s the only way I can articulate my feelings and emotions properly, thank you so much for that safe space that nobody else could give me. Thank you for complimenting me and making me feel handsome and pretty, thank you for letting me show you a side of me that nobody else knows, and thank you so so so so so so sooooo much, for being you, Eshu Jamsy, you’re the most beautiful girl inside and out. You may feel weird that I’m apologising so much eshu, but you deserve it so fucking much, especially for how much you’ve cared for me. Sometimes it was just you, who’d pick up the pieces and mend me whenever someone would hurt me. You’re a very understanding girl and that’s beautiful. You also accept your mistakes and you apologise, which makes me feel so grateful and it’s like you’re so mature. You being mature enough to know what you did wrong is one of the best qualities you have. You deserve that I apologise to you, I think I need to get down on my knees and ask you for your forgiveness for all the times that I fucked up. It takes a lot of courage to forgive and let things go eshu, and you’d do that a lot with me, I thank you for always giving me a chance and seeing that I can grow and learn from my mistakes. In my opinion, this letter is the most important once I’ve written to you yet, and it’s the one you deserve the most. You’re a great girl eshu, Jo bhi masla ho Tumharay saath, I don’t have a problem with it, you’re enough, more than just enough, you’re the fifteen girl who has calmed me down so many times when I called you at my weakest, you made me feel safer than like idk an underground bunker can ever make me feel😭. Lastly, I also want to apologise for not being there when we weren’t close, when you were going through something and you didn’t know me well enough for you to tell me things, If you let me, I’ll try my hardest to protect you from whatever or whoever tries to help you, forever. I ask god to give me any pain or sadness that you’re feeling so that I can feel it for the both of us and you can be happy. Thank you for everything eshu, and I’m sorry for doing the things I did, just know that I learnt from them okay? You deserve more than the whole world. Yours truly, moose ❤🩹